Unforgiveness is the Cause

"Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you." —Colossians 3:13

When I was first ordained a priest, I believed that over 50 percent
of all problems were at least in part due to unforgiveness. After
ten years in ministry, I revised my estimate and maintained 75 to 80
percent of all health, marital, family, and financial problems came
from unforgiveness. Now, after more than twenty years in ministry, I
have concluded that over 90 percent of all problems are rooted in
unforgiveness.


THE NECESSITY OF FORGIVENESS

If most problems come from unforgiveness, we can understand why
Jesus emphasizes forgiveness to an extreme degree. When Peter
suggested to Jesus that we should forgive seven times, he was
correct (Mt 18:21). "Seven" in the Bible stands for an indefinite
number of times; so Peter was saying we should forgive indefinitely.
This is the correct answer, but not the correct emphasis. Jesus
proclaims we should forgive "seventy times seven," indefinitely
times indefinitely (Mt 18:22). Jesus further emphasizes forgiveness
by saying God's kingdom is a matter of forgiveness and those who do
not forgive are handed over to torturers (Mt 18:23-34). And when the
disciples asked Him to teach them how to pray, Jesus told them to
pray that they be forgiven as they forgive (Mt 6:12). This means
prayer will hurt rather than help us if we do not forgive. This is
the only point in the Lord's prayer on which Jesus commented. He
reiterated: "If you forgive the faults of others, your heavenly
Father will forgive you yours. If you do not forgive others, neither
will your Father forgive you" (Mt 6:14-15). Jesus insists on
forgiveness. We must pass on the forgiveness He has given us by the
shedding of His blood on Calvary.


THE POISON AND TORTURE OF UNFORGIVENESS

Why do we refuse to forgive? Are we controlling those who have hurt
us by punishing them and thereby protecting ourselves from further
harm? Not really. When we try to manipulate others through
unforgiveness, they rebel. Our enemies suffer minimally from our
unforgiveness compared with the damage we do to ourselves. The
verdict we pass on others is passed on us (Mt 7:2). Unforgiveness is
a fatal poison which cuts us off from forgiveness (Mt 6:12,15),
healing (Sir 28:3), prayer (Mk 11:24-25), and worship (Mt 5:23-24).

Then, when we are separated from these graces, we are handed over to
torturers (Mt 18:34). These torturers are not people, but worse.
They are such experiences as fear, depression, frustration, anxiety,
self-hatred, and loneliness. As these and other torturers work us
over, we deteriorate to a level of existence which is characterized
by fruitless, compulsive, escapist activities.


THE MIRACLE AND MIRAGE OF FORGIVENESS

We must forgive others and ourselves or destroy ourselves. Yet it is
humanly impossible to forgive. "To err is human, to forgive is
divine." Only God can forgive. To forgive another is more miraculous
than healing someone in the most advanced stages of cancer. But God
will do this miracle for us.

However, many times we do not ask for the miracle of forgiveness
because we are deceived by the devil into thinking we have already
forgiven another. Many people help deceive themselves by re-defining
forgiveness to be the control of hostile feelings instead of a
merciful expression of love. Forgiveness is not a feeling but a
decision to accept God's grace to let go of holding others sins
against them. Forgiveness is to extend loving mercy to those who
have offended us. The Lord calls us to forgive affectionately,
generously and mercifully, as the father of the prodigal son did (Lk
15:20ff). The following diagnostic questions can help us know if
we've deceived ourselves about forgiving others.

1) Am I conscious that God gave me the grace to forgive and that I
did not do it myself? If you are not aware that God did it, He may
not have.

2) Can I picture myself embracing the other person? (see Lk 15:20)

3) Do I appreciate Confession (the Sacrament of Reconciliation) and
celebrate it frequently? If we are forgiving graciously and
lovingly, we are being forgiven in this way. This would attract us
to Confession.

While a "no" answer to one of these questions doesn't mean we've not
forgiven, it's a bad sign.


FORGIVENESS AND MERCY

The essence of forgiveness by God's standards is the giving of
mercy. Mercy means to treat others better than they deserve. When we
extend mercy to those who have offended us, we kiss prodigal sons,
give presents to offenders, and have special celebrations in honor
of our enemies. These people don't deserve this, and that is what
mercy is all about. We don't deserve the redemptive death of God's
Son, the shedding of His blood, and eternal happiness. However, He
has given them to us because of His mercy.

The Lord expects us to pass on to others the merciful forgiveness we
have received from Him. We are reluctant to do this because of the
high cost of extending mercy. Although Jesus has paid the price for
mercy by His death on Calvary, He lets us share in His sufferings
(see Col 1:24). For example, if someone hits your car, you can have
mercy on them and pay for it yourself. That mercy may cost you
$800.00. That is some of the cheapest mercy you'll ever give. What
if your husband told you that he had committed adultery but that he
would never do it again? He wanted you to take him back and help put
your marriage back together. If you have mercy on him, you will take
a tremendous emotional, psychological, and spiritual loss. You will
feel like making your husband pay for his adultery as much as
possible because at first you don't have to pay for it as much if
you take it out on him.

Mercy is so expensive that we don't want to think of it. Pope John
Paul II taught: "The present day mentality, more perhaps than that
of people in the past, seems opposed to a God of mercy, and in fact
tends to exclude from life and to remove from the human heart the
very idea of mercy. The word and the concept of 'mercy' seems to
cause uneasiness in man" (Rich In Mercy, 2). In a world of gross
injustices, we feel embarrassed to talk of mercy to victims of such
gross injustices as violence, rape, abuse, and racism. However, when
we have mercy, we are not condoning sin but loving sinners. In fact,
the more we love sinners, the more we hate the sin that degrades
them. We must follow the example of Jesus, the most victimized
Person Who has ever lived. He said: "Father, forgive them; they do
not know what they are doing" (Lk 23:34). Then He extended His mercy
by promising the good thief that he would be in paradise that very
day (Lk 23:43). Even as Jesus died, He poured forth the abundant
stream of mercy.

In the Old Testament, the gold plate over the ark of the covenant
was called the "propitiatory," or "mercy-seat." Here Yahweh sat in
all His mercy. The New Testament fulfillment of the mercy-seat is
the tabernacle. Come before the tabernacle, into the presence of the
eucharistic Jesus. Ask for mercy to come to you and through you. You
may even put out your hand and touch the tabernacle, the new mercy-
seat. With that touch, you can receive what the hemorrhaging woman
experienced when she touched the hem of Jesus' robe (see Lk 8:46).
You will experience God's power and the miracle of mercy.

Sometimes, we are like the unforgiving brother of the prodigal son
(Lk 15:28) or like Jonah in his hatred of the cruel, murderous
Ninevites (Jon 3:10-4:1). If we see that we have not forgiven by
extending God's mercy, we should repent and simply pray to be
willing to forgive. God will give us the willingness. We should then
celebrate this forgiveness in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.


THE EMBRACE OF FORGIVENESS

The sign of forgiveness is outstretched arms. The forgiving father
threw his arms around the neck of the prodigal son and kissed him
(Lk 15:20). Jesus received the embrace and kiss of Judas, and
forgave him (Mk 14:45). Finally, Jesus stretched out His arms on the
cross and would have embraced us all if we had not nailed His arms
to the cross. Right now, imagine yourself embracing each one you
need to forgive. By God's grace and in His mercy make the decision
to forgive each person for each offense against you. Say
audibly: "By God's grace, I decide to forgive (name of person) for
(name of sin). Now go and embrace these people. If this is
impossible, call or write them without delay. If they are aware of
problems in their relationship with you, apologize to them and ask
them to forgive you for not forgiving them. Then give them a gift
(see Lk 15:22ff). Show the mercy of our forgiving Father. If those
you need to forgive have died or are not able to be contacted, ask
Jesus to contact them and pass on your forgiveness. Don't lose any
time (Mt 5:25). Receive the miracle of forgiveness now!


Nihil obstat: Reverend Robert L. Hagedorn, May 25, 1996.
Imprimatur: † Most Reverend Carl K. Moeddel, Vicar General and
Auxiliary Bishop of the Archdiocese of Cincinnati, May 29, 1996